I read about the difference between evangelism and witnessing. In this state I don't think I can do much of either. "How are you actively fulfilling your divine mandate to be a witness for Christ?" How can I right now? I keep praying, calling out, internally screaming: "Lord, my God, do not abandon me!" I pray for His peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray that the seeds of bitterness will not take hold. That I would be able to forgive. "I love them, and I forgive them. I love them, and I forgive them. I love them, and I forgive them." If I repeat it enough, maybe I will believe it.
My mind keeps saying, "Ah! What are you? A child? You should be stronger than this, this should not bother you. Strong. Independent. That's you." But it is not. I am shallow. I am broken. I am hurt. I am grieving. I have not experienced this before. I do not know how it goes. All I can do is try to process my thoughts, I pray in a Godly way. So many thoughts, emotions. Anger, doubt, denial. Acknowledge a thought, let it go. I cling to the moments of peace. Again, I feel. "Why is this wrecking you? You are above this!" I am not above anything. But, I do not want to wallow. But, I do not want to face anything. I pray for strength, I pray for anything. "I am lost! Do not leave me to my own thoughts! Fill me with the Holy Spirit! I cling to your mercies and faithfulness!"
My God will not abandon me. My God will not forsake me. I cling to His promises.
Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."
Lamentations 3:22-24
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