The Subtle Reminder

I see my parents everywhere, in the old married couple who need to remind themselves of the love they once had, in the young struggling lovers who are trying to make this thing called love work, and even in Tevye and Golde. I doubted love today. I am not sure I believe in it. Or if I do, it's not the true definition of love. I keep telling myself, "in the midst of all things, God is sovereign." I am clinging to this truth. I must cling to it. My mind is to tired now to ponder the nonsense it has created. I submit my soul to the soothing truth that is the love of Christ.

How He is Not Like You

You thought only about yourself.

My God thought about me before my birth.

You drew close to your selfish desires.

My God draws me closer to Him everyday.

You betrayed the one you love.

My God gave His only son for me.

You lied, again, and again, and again.

My God never changes.

You acted like everything was fine.

My God never deceives.

You hurt.

My God heals.

Thankful.

Isolation. No one wants to feel alone. I don't want to feel alone. Are you in the same situation? Similar? What are you feeling? 

When I read about what other people are dealing with, the amount of pain and confusion surrounding their every word, I became thankful. Thankful that wasn't me. Thankful I didn't have it worse. Details can make all the difference. Same but different. 

However, thankfulness is not an overwhelming feeling. It is something you have to hold on to. Other emotions threaten to flood my everything. 

Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. 

For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. 

Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you. 

Psalms 33:20-22

His Mercies Are New Every Morning

This morning is easier. No immediate reminder of the dark thoughts that laid on my mind the previous night. The darkness is still there, but it is slow in waking. 

I read about the difference between evangelism and witnessing. In this state I don't think I can do much of either. "How are you actively fulfilling your divine mandate to be a witness for Christ?" How can I right now? I keep praying, calling out, internally screaming: "Lord, my God, do not abandon me!" I pray for His peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray that the seeds of bitterness will not take hold. That I would be able to forgive. "I love them, and I forgive them. I love them, and I forgive them. I love them, and I forgive them." If I repeat it enough, maybe I will believe it. 

My mind keeps saying, "Ah! What are you? A child? You should be stronger than this, this should not bother you. Strong. Independent. That's you." But it is not. I am shallow. I am broken. I am hurt. I am grieving. I have not experienced this before. I do not know how it goes. All I can do is try to process my thoughts, I pray in a Godly way. So many thoughts, emotions. Anger, doubt, denial. Acknowledge a thought, let it go. I cling to the moments of peace. Again, I feel. "Why is this wrecking you? You are above this!" I am not above anything. But, I do not want to wallow. But, I do not want to face anything. I pray for strength, I pray for anything. "I am lost! Do not leave me to my own thoughts! Fill me with the Holy Spirit! I cling to your mercies and faithfulness!"

My God will not abandon me. My God will not forsake me. I cling to His promises.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; 

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." 

Lamentations 3:22-24

Hurt.

I am not sure which is worse: dealing with hurt or not knowing how to deal with grief. Grief. Grieving. They say there are seven stages. "Which one am I in now?" I ask myself. How long will this go? But, I must be strong. The others are counting on me. I have things to do. Things to accomplish. I cannot be held down. Weighed down. Why is this such a burden. Can it not be over already? Why can't my mind be free? Why can't my heart be light? Light. That is what I hold on to most. He is faithful. He will not abandon me. HE WILL NOT ABANDON ME.